12 months off. How off will they be? First pregnancy, I have no idea what to expect.
I have plans. Great plans for the next 12 months. Nice schedules for the mornings and the afternoons. Lunches and coffees with my friends, online courses, books... Loads of plans. Lovely, lovely plans - none of them includes the baby. Did I just simply choose to forget about Him? Oh yes, by the way, the baby is a He. Either that or it is a three legged girl (please don't let it be a three legged anything:).
Not only I know the sex but I also know He has got all the toes and fingers. I saw them on the scan. Clear 10 little white lines saying "fingers", another 10 saying "toes". So with perfect toes and fingers, how did I not include the baby in my plans?
Will He actually be a bother?
So far maternity leave has been the only thing on my mind. The baby is still invisible. It makes me feel like I am a bad mother a little bit. No prenatal classes, no books. Although I did grab a few leaflets from the midwife's office last time I was in and read them in a restaurant between the starter and the main.
It sounds
as if I am not interested. The truth is that it is difficult to get interested
in something that does not exist yet. I mean I can't touch Him or smell Him.
And something can still go horribly wrong. I don't want to exceed my
expectations.
Leaving
work behind I am excited, scared, nervous, happy. Excited and happy are easy to explain. No
more work for 12 months, no more bosses, no more report writing, no more
getting up early, no more sitting at the desk, no more traffic, no more performance
reviews! Simply FREEDOM!
But allowing yourself to be happy is not cool, and questions constantly appear
in my head:
Will I
find the little nipper stimulating enough?
Will I
get bored?
Will I
need conversation?
Will I go
NUTS?
Will I
have patience?
Another
slightly worrying thing is the disposability of my...self. The total replaceability
of my mind and body. Although I am excited I am leaving work behind, I am
nervous that I am so easily replaced. All the "good lucks" are said lightly and I
get presents and flowers. Is anybody going to miss me? Is the company going to fall apart because I am not there? Are they just really happy to see me go?
What will I find on my return? It is different when you leave the company
entirely, you are not worried about the mess you leave behind. Prospects of the
new future does not let you cloud the happiness of leaving the present. This
time you are leaving to actually come back at a later time. Will it feel old,
new or somewhere in between?
Anyway
looking into the nearest future now - happy!
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