A date with a new born

Spending the first two weeks at home with the little new born baby can be a shock. Having just done that I wish somebody had warned me before. There should be red flashing signs given to mothers, and fathers, to ensure they know what is coming. Although it passes quickly, and can be hardly remembered, those first few weeks can have a tremendous effect on your (and the baby’s) wellbeing.

Nappies and crying are the most obvious, and talked about, side effects of having a baby. But there are many more, emotional and physical, issues that are rather enigmatic. The mystery around them makes you think you are the only woman dealing with them. You are either being punished or something has gone terribly wrong. The doubts convert into confusion and loneliness follows quickly.

It helps if you share your experiences with other mothers. Quickly you will find solutions for some of the problems, be assured they are only temporary, and, most importantly, you will not feel alone anymore. As for me…

Emotionally I had expected myself to change. Stop being me and become… a mother. Just like that. But it did not happen. I am still the same person, with the same hobbies and interests and the same light attitude to life. The difference is the little fellow I need to feed and care for. He is the change, not me. I am still to discover what being a mum means. I suppose I will learn, hopefully fast.

LOVE. I mentioned in the last blog about love at first sight. Two weeks into the life of my little one and I am still waiting for it to hit me. I mean, I like Him and would protect Him with all I’ve got, but LOVE? At first I was worried, but now I know it’s not just me. Lucky are mothers that experience LOVE in the first three weeks after childbirth?

Physical matters that affect your body, can greatly upset the emotional side. The list below is by no means exclusive.

1) Stiches. They hurt. When they swell after exercise, which is barely walking, they swell and hurt even more. There also might be an itch, like thrush, but a hundred times worse.

2) Control of your bladder. There is none. If you think you will have to pee in two minutes start marching to the toilet now. When your pee is ready it is too late.

3) Constipation. Let me just say that constipation after giving birth is like no other. Buy a spatula and dig in.

4) Haemorrhoids. They are not nice and you will get them if you are getting constipated.

5) Tiredness. Babies cry, it’s a fact, and you have to sort it out. Babies cannot tell day from night and they don’t really care. They cry whenever and this is the only way they communicate for the first few months. They cannot say “I love you” and “thanks for your efforts” so don’t expect it. You are there to respond to their basic needs and get nothing in return. However they will (hopefully) love you for it later.

6) Weakness of the body. Walking can be really exhausting and the insides of your thighs could be in pain. Long walks and exercise will also cause the swelling of the stiches, but we already mentioned this in two above.

7) Pregnancy belly. For about a week or two you still look heavily pregnant.

8) Breastfeeding. OMG! You are encouraged and it is good for the baby and yourself. But be prepared for a bit of getting used to it. The first three weeks are agonising for the nipples. Your breasts will also be engorged which can be painful. No wonder many of us give up before it gets better. (Try cabbage leaves, unassuming but great.) It takes about two/three weeks for your nipples to get used to the constant attention. After that there is no better feeling in the whole world! So if it hurts and you are thinking of giving up, stick with it, it will soon get better.

9) Did I miss anything?...

10) Recovery. It will come. In six weeks you will start feeling like a human being again. One day you'll wake up and know the worst is behind you. You are on the way to recovery.

And always REMEMBER you are not alone...

Childbirth Uncovered

I read somewhere that childbirth is “The only date you’ll fall in love at first sight”.

Let me tell you about childbirth.

Unless you are very, very lucky and none of the below applies to you, your childbirth will be probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It will shock you physically and mentally. It is not pretty, it is not easy and it is definitely not romantic. You just need to get through it.  

Getting to the hospital is a first hurdle. If your water’s broken, get on the phone with the hospital/Birthing Centre. They will probably not believe you. They will ask you to put a maternity pad between your legs and go for a walk. They will wait another hour to invite you in. Then they ask for the maternity pad and sniff it to confirm your water’s broken.

You will not be invited to stay in the Birthing Centre if your contractions are not the right strength and frequency. It does not matter whether it is your first time, or how nervous you are, you are on your own and you need to go back home. And for many hours this might be completely ok. Until the real deal starts.

When the pain starts the timing of the contractions is the first question asked when you phone the Birthing Centre. If your timings are not as recommended (2 minutes every 1 minute) it is hard to get anybody’s attention. You are encouraged to stay at home for as long as possible, until the contractions get to the right timing. It is a box ticking exercise for the midwives.

You, on the other hand, might feel completely different. The contractions might not do as they are told but the pain is real. It is NOT a period pain. It is thousands time stronger. It is like nothing else you have ever experienced. Imagine, you are pushing out a baby!

When you are at that stage just tell the Birthing Centre you are coming, whatever your contractions are doing. They have all the equipment to help you with the pain, try to use it. When the pain gets really strong swinging on the rope like a monkey is the last thing you want to do. At that stage all you want is the pain killers. However, if you are already in labour, it is too late for them as well….

Gas and air is not to be underestimated! It is delicious.

The midwives are invaluable in the whole experience. Although they can be cold to start with, they guide you through the process with confidence. But beware, they expect you to know what is happening and what you are supposed to be doing. It is tough for first time mums. Don’t be surprised if the midwifes do not entirely  believe what you tell them. They look for certain signs but if your labour is unusual, the signs might not be there. Giving birth is the most overwhelming and shocking experience but you need to help your midwife.

The pain and exhaustion can change us into monsters. You swear, you poop, there is blood. Hopefully your partner is understanding and not too sensitive. Compared with the progress humanity has made in other areas of today’s world, childbirth is prehistoric!

I am not sure how many women fall in love with their child at first sight. I didn’t. And I felt horrible. Now I realise it is ok but I just wish somebody had told me before. We all talk about men needing time to adjust and bond with the new born but of us women it is expected instantly.

Relax, although in your head you are failing the first motherly obligation, to love at first sight, it is only a low percentage of super women that do. The rest of us are just humans. Don’t let this bother you and don't let it be the beginning of post natal depression. It is perfectly normal, give yourself time to love your baby.

Childbirth Choices

Not going to work makes me think more about the forthcoming childbirth. To say that I am scared is an understatement. Not scared of what's coming, but scared of not knowing what's coming.

A few weeks ago my midwife asked me what type of childbirth I would like to have? My immediate response was: "Easy" and "Painless". Very unoriginal, I know, but those were the first words that came to mind. From the look on her face I realised she meant something different. But how was I supposed to know?

To avoid the pain I chose to have a caesarean. Happy with my answer, sure it met her expectations, I was told I do not qualify. Well, this confused me again. Then I was told my option, my ONLY option, is a natural childbirth (unless something goes wrong then the choice will be made for me). So I was given a choice under the false pretence only to find out there was no choice at all!

Then the midwife asked whether I would like to visit the local Birthing Centre. The purpose of the visit was to decide whether I liked it and wanted to give birth there. Again, I ask for the choices but they are limited. It is either the Birthing Centre or the hospital. So what are the differences? The Birthing Centre is led by the midwives. There are private rooms with private bathrooms, tv and birthing pools should you choose to have a water birth. They look more like hotel rooms than a hospital and there are no restricted visiting hours.

What about the hospital? First of all you stay on the ward. Neither private room nor bathroom, no TV, but for those interested, restricted visiting hours from 14.00 to 18.00. Let's not forget being kept in for days before the paperwork gets round the system to finally discharge you. Weighing the above, I just wonder, why would anyone decide to have a hospital birth? The choice is so obvious that the question seemed, yet again, rhetorical. Especially when I was told that, unless there were complications, I would be sent to the Birthing Centre anyway.

I bet Insurance has got something to do with it all.

Knowing that I am going to give birth naturally I decided to investigate what I need to know.

From conversations with other mothers one thing became certain - you quickly forget the pain. Which is excellent news, but what about the pain while it lasts? What is it like? There is no conclusive answer. The descriptions I manage to gather include: a strong punch in the stomach, extreme period pains, very bad stomach cramps. Close but not close enough. Is it because none of them remember... Or is it just not that bad?

There are off course pain killers to help tackle the problem: breathing techniques, gas and air, pethidine or diamorphine. I must admit, the first one, does not convince me at all. I think I will stick to painkillers, thank you very much. Then there is epidural but we are not allowed to talk about it in the Birthing Centre. Epidural can only be administered in the hospital. There is that false sense of choice again.

So the question is: are we better to make decisions as to where and how to give birth to our children or, considering our inexperience in the matter, is it better to leave the decision making to the experts? Are we really being "asked" to make our choice or are we merely meant to feel like we are?

Maternity!!!

My first day of maternity leave! Of course I am happy!

12 months off. How off will they be? First pregnancy, I have no idea what to expect.

I have plans. Great plans for the next 12 months. Nice schedules for the mornings and the afternoons. Lunches and coffees with  my friends, online courses, books... Loads of plans. Lovely, lovely plans - none of them includes the baby. Did I just simply choose to forget about Him? Oh yes, by the way, the baby is a He. Either that or it is a three legged girl (please don't let it be a three legged anything:).

Not only I know the sex but I also know He has got all the toes and fingers. I saw them on the scan. Clear 10 little white lines saying "fingers", another 10 saying "toes". So with perfect toes and fingers, how did I not include the baby in my plans?

Will He actually be a bother?

So far maternity leave has been the only thing on my mind. The baby is still invisible. It makes me feel like I am a bad mother a little bit. No prenatal classes, no books. Although I did grab a few leaflets from the midwife's office last time I was in and read them in a restaurant between the starter and the main.
 

It sounds as if I am not interested. The truth is that it is difficult to get interested in something that does not exist yet. I mean I can't touch Him or smell Him. And something can still go horribly wrong. I don't want to exceed my expectations.
 

Leaving work behind I am excited, scared, nervous, happy. Excited and happy are easy to explain. No more work for 12 months, no more bosses, no more report writing, no more getting up early, no more sitting at the desk, no more traffic, no more performance reviews! Simply FREEDOM!
 

But allowing yourself to be happy is not cool, and questions constantly appear in my head:
 

Will I find the little nipper stimulating enough?
 

Will I get bored?
 

Will I need conversation?
 

Will I go NUTS?
 

Will I have patience?
 

Another slightly worrying thing is the disposability of my...self. The total replaceability of my mind and body. Although I am excited I am leaving work behind, I am nervous that I am so easily replaced. All the "good lucks" are said lightly and I get presents and flowers. Is anybody going to miss me? Is the company going to fall apart because I am not there? Are they just really happy to see me go? What will I find on my return? It is different when you leave the company entirely, you are not worried about the mess you leave behind. Prospects of the new future does not let you cloud the happiness of leaving the present. This time you are leaving to actually come back at a later time. Will it feel old, new or somewhere in between?
 

Anyway looking into the nearest future now - happy!