Language Barrier

Three weeks after the birth I am still in emotional distress. The baby I hold in my hands is fully dependent on me. I care for Him and I like Him a lot but my deeper feelings towards Him are still confusing. It is hard to say "I love you" when you don't know a person and they do not love you back. Do I love my baby purely because He is mine? Regardless of His character and traits? Or do I love Him for being Him? And if that’s the case when will He be Him?  

Even though my LOVE dilemma continues, I do not feel like a bad mother anymore, because I know I am trying hard. However I also understand how someone else could. The trick is to remember you are doing all you can to start this little life in the most comfortable way. You feed Him and comfort Him and change His nappy. You get up at night without complaining. You feel like a zombie, you look like a zombie and you are probably turning into a zombie. But it is all right. You are a mother now.

He doesn’t need much and He doesn’t give much. He doesn’t cuddle, He doesn’t smile, He doesn’t look lovingly into my eyes. He would go with anyone if I let Him. I am the slave and He is the master. If something is not how He wants, He will soon let me (and the whole street) know.

A baby’s cry is a powerful weapon. It does not only break my heart, pierces my ears and makes me feel helpless and guilty. It makes me stressed. And angry. Why, why, WHY does baby’s cry get into you so much? The worst is at night, when everyone else is sleeping blissfully. It can drive you to the edge and the images in your head get a bit scary. A few nights ago I was so tired that my resistance to my crying baby dropped to a minimal level. I was on the verge of patience and shouted “shut up” into His little face. Instantly I felt bad and stupid. My hands were shaking and I apologised. He only cried more.

It took me a while to understand. I mean REALLY understand. My poor baby is trying to communicate with me in a language in which we are both just beginners. Hypothetically His cry means “I am hungry, mummy” but I change His nappy instead. If He stopped crying then He would still be hungry. He needs to let me know I am on the wrong track. The more I try, the more I understand. I will never say “Shut up” to Him again. I will let Him teach me.